SITE_MENU
Office 214, 10/3 Rylsky Lane, Kyiv
Currently, office is remote; available via phone and messengers Mon-Thu, 10:00 am - 6:00 pm, Fri 10:00 am - 3:00 pm.
Raising a child is a complex and responsible process in which not only parents but also all adults involved in the child’s daily life—especially nannies—play an important role. For many working parents, a nanny becomes not just a helper but a full-fledged companion in the child’s everyday development. This brings up a delicate yet important question: should a nanny love the child in her care?
This question encompasses emotional attachment, psychological boundaries, professionalism, and the impact on a child’s wellbeing. In this article, we explore the balance between care, attachment, and professional distance, supported by scientific research.
Psychological boundaries are conceptual but crucial lines that define personal space, emotional distance, and role distribution in interpersonal relationships. In a professional relationship between a nanny and a child, setting clear, healthy boundaries is essential for the emotional wellbeing of both parties and for effective caregiving.
For a nanny, boundaries are a tool for maintaining emotional resilience. They help prevent burnout, preserve professional objectivity, and allow her to act in the child’s best interests without excessive personal involvement. For the child, clear boundaries foster a healthy understanding of adult roles, create a sense of predictability and safety, and support independence.
Boundary violations in nanny–child relationships can manifest in various ways:
When emotional boundaries are blurred, the risk of burnout increases—a state of deep exhaustion accompanied by apathy, cynicism, loss of interest in work, and lower self-esteem (Cherniss, 1980). This not only affects the nanny’s health but also diminishes the quality of childcare.
Another significant risk is the loss of objectivity. An emotionally involved nanny may overlook problematic behaviours or, conversely, become overprotective, hindering the child’s development of autonomy and self-confidence.
Emotional involvement can also lead to distress when the employment ends. If a nanny has grown too emotionally attached, separation may feel like the loss of a loved one and impact her future professional confidence.
Blurred boundaries are equally risky for children. If a nanny becomes overly central in a child’s inner world—similar to a parent—it can complicate the development of secure attachments with parents and interfere with the emotional separation process, which is critical at certain developmental stages (Mahler, Pine & Bergman, 1975).
Over-dependence on a nanny may result in separation anxiety, difficulty adapting to new environments or people, and lack of self-confidence. A child used to full emotional involvement from the nanny might perceive any refusal or boundary as a betrayal.
Children are also sensitive to adults’ emotional states and may consciously or unconsciously exploit the nanny’s attachment. This can create unhealthy interaction patterns, complicate discipline, and hinder the development of responsible behaviour.
Emotional attachment is a fundamental human need, especially in early childhood. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby (1969), emphasises the importance of forming a secure attachment with primary caregivers for healthy emotional and social development.
A secure attachment is marked by feelings of safety, trust, and comfort in the caregiver’s presence. A child with secure attachment seeks support when needed but also explores the world independently.
Overdependence, on the other hand, involves separation anxiety, fear of abandonment, and a need for constant caregiver presence. Such children may struggle with independent activity and have low self-esteem.
In the nanny–child relationship, it’s important to build a secure attachment that provides the child with safety and support without undermining parental bonds or impeding autonomy.
Empathy—the ability to understand and share a child’s emotional experience—is a key quality in a nanny. An empathetic nanny can better understand a child’s needs, respond to emotional cues, and offer appropriate support in difficult situations (Hoffman, 2000).
Care is also vital. A caring nanny creates a safe, nurturing, and stimulating environment, pays attention to the child’s physical and emotional needs, supports their interests, and fosters their development.
Professionalism in nanny work includes a wide range of qualities, skills, and behavioural standards that ensure high-quality, safe childcare.
One of the key elements of professionalism is the ability to establish and maintain boundaries—understanding the importance of psychological limits in relationships with both children and parents.
Nannies may sometimes develop strong feelings for the child in their care. While empathy and care are essential, excessive emotional involvement can conflict with professional responsibilities.
For example, a nanny who deeply loves a child might struggle with setting rules and discipline for fear of upsetting them. She might even withhold information about problematic behaviours from the parents in an attempt to protect the child. These actions can hinder the child’s upbringing and damage trust between nanny and parents.
A professional nanny must separate personal feelings from professional duties and make decisions based on the child’s best interests and agreements with the parents.
The professional nanny is someone who can strike a balance between genuine care and empathy for the child and the professional execution of her duties.
By demonstrating these qualities, a nanny can build a warm and trusting relationship with the child without crossing psychological boundaries and while remaining a professional.
Parents play an important role in shaping healthy relationships between the child and the nanny.
By establishing a partnership with the nanny, parents help foster a healthy balance between care and professionalism in the care of their child.
So, should a nanny love your child? Undoubtedly, empathy, care, and genuine concern for the child’s wellbeing are important qualities for any nanny. A child needs to feel safe and surrounded by attention. However, excessive emotional involvement and a breach of psychological boundaries can have negative consequences for both the nanny and the child.
The key to a successful nanny–child relationship is professionalism, which includes responsibility, competence, ethical behaviour, and the ability to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. A nanny should show care and empathy while remaining objective and acting in the child’s best interests, guided by agreements with the parents and professional standards.
In turn, parents should approach the selection of a nanny carefully, considering not only her experience and qualifications but also her capacity for empathy, understanding of psychological boundaries, and professional maturity.
Sources
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment. London: Hogarth Press.
Hoffman, M.L. (2000). Empathy and Moral Development: Implications for Caring and Justice. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
Cherniss, C. (1980). Staff Burnout: Job Stress in the Human Services. New York: Praeger.
Mahler, M. S., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. (1975). The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant: Symbiosis and Individuation. New York: Basic Books.
